Having the opportunity to have a dom who specializes in tantra and shibari stay in my house was an incredible experience.
First, I was able to model her nature.
She's so beautiful in the way that she approached life. It was so simple and yet so powerful.
Everything she did had intention.
There was rest built into it and I noticed her being so present in everything that she does.
Whether that be making a delicious smoothie or going on a wonderful walk and soaking up the sun.
She did everything with so much presence and to its fullest capacity- just letting it unfold and take her on a journey of "Where is the right place to go in the right moment?".
When I first met her I wanted to be suspended and do all these things. Then after 4 days of hosting her I decided to just take my 1:1 shibari session in the moment and go with the flow.
And that experience was NOTHING I thought it would be.
It was so very deep, beautiful and profound.
The first breakthrough happened very quickly. It happened when she started roping me up and I completely let go- I wasn't resisting the ropes whatsoever.
Then something was triggered as she was putting my hair up and incorporating the ropes into it.
By doing that it brought up a lot of sadness and grief about when I had my abortion and I lost all my hair.
So there was a lot of sadness and grief and rage that was triggered.
As soon as I felt it come up I just allowed myself to scream and bellow and cry.
Then the next anchor that collapsed was the trigger around my neck being touched, as my ex boyfriend had choked me out at one point.
Her wrapping the rope around my neck 3-4 times was triggering but I let it be free as well.
I forgave myself as well as the deep resentment I had held in my body.
All I could do was crumble and reach out for those past generations and lives.
And it integrated.
Then Brandon came and looked at me and she lifted the blindfold.
He told me he loved me and wiped the tears from my eyes.
And during that time she just guided us- it was a wave of feelings.
I processed cycles of bursting emotions - whether it be through crying, hollering, screaming, relaxing by letting go of the physical tension in my body...
Just being 100% present made me realize even though I've done a lot of physical and emotional work, there was a lot of stuff in my body that hadn't collapsed yet and this has been an incredible tool to integrate all of that.
A lot of times as a child it felt toxic to be in my body.
There was so much fear, rage, and disgust.
Which is why I disassociated and used so much.
So this experience was very interesting.
I kept imagining and seeing my souls consciousness come back into my physical body
Opening up and being comfortable in the container.
Then when she started tying up my legs and suspending them,I got a flash of a past life experience of being dragged on the ground by a horse.
All of a sudden my unconscious mind drew the connection- "that's why I had cysts in my back!"
Many times I got them cut out and they grew back.
And I was able to fully let that go.
Then when she was hoisting me up in my lower back it was connected to my digestive issues.
And the pain that came up when she did that was unbelievable.
But for the first time instead of trying to harness or muscle or be strong or even trying to enjoy the pain like I used to in the past, I just decided to process it and let it go completely. Let go of suffering from the past that I was holding onto.
All of this came up in a matter of only 2 hours. And afterwards my body went into a massive healing phase. I had a fever for a whole night with every single nerve feeling as if it was on fire.
And I felt I had healed.
Then having @mystikole
be there was so effing cool.
She was there guiding me, beating the drum, helping me through linguistically.
I felt free.
Free from the physical container.